Does this ever happen to you?

Do you sometimes feel like you make something happen just by thinking the wrong things?

For instance:

Waiting for the downtown 6 yesterday morning, a lady on the opposite platform waltzed by carrying 2 Starbucks coffees, one stacked on top of the other. Now, she kept on raising her arm as if to look under the bottom one and I was mesmerized because in my head I kept thinking I would never do that because klutzy me, I would totally drop them or fall flat on my face bumping into something. So I couldn't take my eyes off of her and I just repeated over and over, "you are going to drop them you are going to drop them you are going to drop them..."

And what did she do?

She dropped them.

SPLAT! they went on the ground and all over her and I felt guilty, as if I caused it to happen but it was stupid of her but I suppose it was the force of my concentration solely on her for those 60 seconds that made me feel partially responsible.

Still...it's not like I have those laser eyes like General Zod and I made the cups explode but maybe I should have thought "don't drop them stay steady" over and over instead ...

maybe I'm to blame for all those forest fires too...

The Universe DOES care about me...

It does, it does, it truly does. Otherwise, totally random people - strangers - wouldn't come up and say nice things or do sweet things at exactly the moment I need them to. And it's not just me, it happens for you too, you just need to pay attention when it does happen. Ever notice that? Or maybe it's a song that pops on the radio at EXACTLY the moment that you need to smile or feel lighter - it's typically something subtle like that, not a plane flying by with a banner trailing behind:

"NICOLE RENEE KICK YOURSELF IN THE PANTS AND STOP THE PITY PARTY NOW!!!"

That would be way too obvious - and unlikely and unrealistic - for the Universe. But it can do this: it can have me go outside for an eggnog latte as a treat because I thought the sugar would symbolically sweeten my foul mood somewhat. And you know I don't have a poker face so I suppose my dourness was exposed for anyone to see should they look. Latte was good, I went back to work and that was that.

Then out to lunch, again I felt the need to treat me, so I got sushi and miso soup and I sat out for awhile, sipping my soup even though it was a bit blustery and raw out because I thought the chill fresh air would soothe me. Plus, it helps me think. Then I head back into my building still feeling rather blue and down in the dumps and a random guy gets in the elevator with me, turns to me and says "are you having a better day?" and I guess I looked at him funny because he says "I saw you earlier with your coffee cup and you looked forlorn" and I started laughing and told him, yep I'm just having a bad day I guess and he agreed and said "me too, it's going around - I hate all people today" so that cracked me up and his floor came up and I wished him a better day and he did the same back and that was that BUT:

Random person made me smile

Random person made me feel better

Random person had me thinking even hours later "jeez, that was weird"

So thank you Random Person, sent by the Universe to prove to me that I'm not invisible and that random people with no motive and no reason to give a shit about other random people can be caring and sweet. Somehow in my twisted head and odd way of thinking, it just meant that at the heart of it, the Universe can be benevolent and personal and can reach out and say

HEY I see you, cheer up you little muck-about!

Recurrent Thread

There’s an old Native American story I read yesterday about an ancient woman who lives in a cave that cannot be reached by road or path with only an old black dog as her only company. She sits at a loom, weaving a huge and beautiful garment. She works tirelessly, never leaving her work except to stir the great kettle of stew simmering in the back of the cave.

At some point, she gets up from the loom to tend to the stew and when she does, the black dog rises and goes over to the loom, taking the ends of the threads in his mouth, and so begins to unravel the garment to its starting point.

The old woman returns and sees what her dog companion has done; she sighs, and then sits down to begin her work all over again.

I just like this tale - it struck me yesterday because its sort of how my year has gone. I feel like I've had many return trips to the loom only to find my tapestry shredded or unwoven to a point where I too, sigh and feel like giving it up and then somehow I find a small reserve of strength from somewhere and then I sit down and start all over again.

That's just life, I guess - perhaps I need to learn a lesson like tie those knots on the threads a little tighter or don't leave them dangling off the loom where the dog can get at them, that sort of thing...I'm getting there, yes, I think so. Totally getting the hang of this "life" thing...totally...

I've got my sword out today... just a warning ... so pay heed ... (and yes, this is an accurate representation of how I look in my armor - fab hair, no?)

Two COUNT 'EM Two Recipes of the Week

I'm stressed out to the MAX and pressed for time but I just wanted to add to my list - I baked a supderduper chocolate cake with chocolate glaze and white chocolate drizzle last week and brought it in to work - I must declare it QUITE tasty but - very very chocolate-y. I would only make it again for someone who would love its rich choco-ness. A bit too rich for me, I'm not a huge chocolate person but still it was good and hey, it only took me two tries to get it right. Yes, the first night I had to toss it, I was bleary from lack of sleep and too much work but had committed to bringing it to work the next day so I persevered and stumbled and tried to remove it from the pan before it was time. Therefore, most of it was stuck inside the pan and worse, it tasted all grainy and weird because of some shortcuts I took with softening the butter.

Lesson learned? Leave butter out before going to work in the morning - do not try to melt it gently in a pan.

Second recipe, I'm NOT even posting because I know no one out there will make it when I tell you what' s in it but I must say, your fear of dried plums will cause you to miss out on something quite yummy.

Fennel with grated ginger and balsamic vinegar, sauteed in olive oil until caramelized with chopped up prunes and pine nuts over spinach.

The prunes will stop you all out there but let me assure you - I'm finding more "prune in recipe" recipes PRONTO.

Anyhoo - I'm off to start another SHIT filled week - WAIT. Stop that.

Clear, cancel and DELETE. Let this week be full of only good things come true.

Fingers crossed.

C-A-P-S-I-Z-E all the way home, I'm gonna tilt awhile

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

That's me screaming because I'm scared...because it's the day before Halloween ... because there are ghosts and vampires and various other creepy crawlies about ... because the Headless Horseman gallops down my street after midnight ... because because because...

I'M STRESSSSSSSSSSSSED OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I'm still reeling a bit from my Wednesday Pout-Fest - turns out, a good way to cure that was to go home with a bottle of Chianti (and some fava beans OF COURSE) and drink a glass while watching "What the BLEEP Do We Know!?" and decide to fake it until I make it. Meaning just act like all is well and eventually the rest will catch up with the act and all really will be well.

Because it will, I just need to let it out sometimes and let the world know of my trials and tribulations, no matter how small they may appear. It's just my way, I don't have any sort of poker face and when I'm blue or have the mean reds, I show it. Apparently, I look like crap enough that my boss is "forcing" me (his words) to take a few days off after this is all over next week. He's being kind, which I appreciate. But a day or two to regain my center would be nice so I'll take him up on it. Because then, I have about 2 weeks of relative ease before I step right back into THIS again and then before you know it, I'm going home for Christmas Week and only then will I know if I've survived.

Until then, I'm playing my favorite Beach Boys (not a huge Beach Boys fan, but this one...sigh...pure love) song over and over and over, because it's as soothing as a lullaby to me and the harmonies are so pretty, aren't they?:

"Don't worry baby
Don't worry baby
Everything will turn out alright
Don't worry baby
Don't worry baby
Don't worry baby..."

My other theme song is courtesy of Veronica's birthday gift to me, the soundtrack to Where the Wild Things Are and "Capsize" - this about sums up my insides right now:

"C-A-P-S-I-Z-E all the way home, I'm gonna tilt awhile
M-I-S-S-M-E all you want, you're gonna wait awhile

We can settle by the sea
Troubles gonna bury me
Keep my sorrows in the sand
I see water, I see land!

C-A-P-S-I-Z-E all the way home, I'm gonna tilt awhile
M-I-S-S-M-E all you want, you're gonna wait awhile..."

That said, I'm going to do something restful and luverly for myself tomorrow - maybe go up to the Cloisters? Some place where I can see the leaves changing color, I seem to miss that brief window every year. I wake up one November day and the leaves are just dead or completely gone and I miss being stunned by the red and golden trees everywhere. So something outdoors. Something beautiful. And then back here on Sunday to work on another HUMONGOUS file. And then we wait and see...I'm just resigned to the fact that I'm gonna tilt awhile. So be it.

At Low Ebb

We interrupt this piece of shit day in the middle of this crap week to bring you an excerpt from a lovely Blur song to set the mood for this meltdown moment I'm having:

THIS IS A LOW
BUT IT WON'T HURT YOU
WHEN YOU ARE ALONE IT WILL BE THERE WITH YOU
FINDING WAYS TO STAY
SOLO

This is truly a low, I've hit a bottom. I'm trying REALLY hard to keep my chin up but I'm losing patience, I'm sapped and in dire need of a boon.

That's all - I'm just alerting the Fates, those Kindly Ones that I've reached my limit. I'm exhausted, I'm feeling ugly and crampy and bloated, I'm grumpy, my eyes are all red, I'm out of my glitter and magic juice. I feel like I feel when I wear the color brown - Veronica knows what I'm talking about. Blah. Blech. Muddy.

Speaking of Veronica, she's my light at the end of my tunnel and she doesn't even know it. I'm sure she thinks I'm the light at the end of hers but its really the other way around. Or maybe we are both standing at opposite ends of the tunnel, looking stupidly at the other? Either way, My Most Favorite Texan is coming to see MEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! And so that means that soon my face will crack into smiles again and all will be joyful and merry.

And for that, I am thankful. God bless Merv!

Hi Ho Hi Ho, It's off to home I go...

Working on a Sunday... note to self...GET A LIFE.

Well I'm doing it to make this next week less painful - so big deal, I came in for 4 hours, did what I had to do and now I feel much better... sort of... because now its dark outside and therefore, Sunday is over and so then that means the weekend is over and that tomorrow I need to wake up and come right back here.

Why didn't I just bring a sleeping bag? HRUMPH!

Hey Snow White - bring some of those Juanita's Tortilla Chips when you come for Xmas!!! Those chips were the bestest...

Until tomorrow then...signing off...

Theme of the Week: "Gumption, Ms. McGill"

HELLISH WEEK HELLISH WEEK HELLISH WEEK ... the world has been almost overwhelming to me this week.

Simply exhausted...I don't even want to get into it.

I stayed til 9pm last night testing stuff, fine tuning our setup, etc. My mind is like a swamp, my eyes are red and itchy from overuse (note self, sign up for vision care next year - must have eyes checked) and then I get home, I'm so exhausted, I don't even feel like reading or doing much besides zoning out watching Working Girl because everything just swims in front of me.

But mostly the overwhelming part of this week has been that I've had to play a role I'm not used to playing. I've had to be the aggressive take-charge person and I'm so not that person typically and I can't say it felt entirely bad - it's just not the norm for me so it wasn't comfortable. But I'm just trying to get things done, to keep everyone focused to meet our deadlines and I constantly felt like a mother with 6 crazy bratty children - but mostly I did it to help myself because the bulk of this project is on MY shoulders and I can't do my piece without the others getting their tasks completed first.

SO. I had to kick people in the ass a bit and at first I felt a little guilty, as if I should apologize to some of them for coming off too strong, bitchy, grouchy, whatever and then this morning as I was wearily getting ready for work, I realized - why do girls get taught this? That if they are tough or lay down the law, they will not be liked or should have to diminish their voice, soften it in order to not be viewed as a bitch or something else derogatory? NO. It called for someone to step up and dot the I's and cross the T's and hold people accountable for not doing what they said they would do and just put her foot down and say "no excuses - JUST DO IT. Period."

Sigh sigh oh big sigh... but I'm sticking with all the wisdom I culled from last night's viewing of Working Girl which I'm wrapping up as the theme of the week:

Gumption, Ms. McGill.

GUMPTION.

Two New Recipes

I know, I should vary my sources a bit, but you know, I look at Mark Bittman's blog every week and every week, he has a recipe I want to try so SUE ME. Needless to say then, the two things I tried this weekend were from - ta da! - The Minimalist!:

Crisp Nori Snacks - these rocked! I could have devoured a whole package of 8 sheets of nori, but I refrained and just did 2. This was barely a recipe, just toasting the sheets and I've heard from Mollie Katzen that you can do the same with kale.
Something tells me I'll be trying that next.

The true delight was his Roasted Sweet Potato Salad with Black Beans and Chili Dressing. Truth be told, I could take out the black beans and I'd be fine but it does add that sort of southwestern thing I think he was going for but oh, roasted sweet potatoes and onions, oooh it just curls my toes right up.